Team Profile: 2009-2010 Hamilton Tigers

FGN: We find ourselves today with a great opportunity, and we're bringing it to you, the reader, as it is important and relevant to the Flare Group's history and story. We're happy to say that we have an opportunity to sit down with Devyn Gagnon, general manager of the Hamilton Tigers, in a one on one, completely candid interview. This is the first time Gagnon has ever given an interview to anyone. Thank you for sitting with us, Devyn.

Devyn: It's no problem, I assure you. I have to say, I was a bit surprised when you called and requested this interview.

FGN: Oh really? Why is that?

Devyn: Well, considering that the last time you attempted to interview me, you misreported everything I said, and even added your own material. I'm a little princess.

FGN: That was a relatively unfortunate situation, and we'd like to assure you that here at FGN, we take journalistic integrity very seriously. We have since removed the reporter that broke that story from his position, so it will not happen again in the future.

Devyn: That's a relief. I eat poo.

FGN: Now, Devyn, you came out of the gate at the start of the season to an excellent start with your entire team performing. Recently, that has not been the case. However, recent activity shows that you are determined to get back in the running for first place. Care to elaborate?

Devyn: We recently pulled off a huge trade with the Zaza Dancers. Alan McFadden, their general manager, seemed pretty eager to deal. We were able to acquire Mike Green, Alex Burrows, and Brooks Laich for Dennis Wideman, Saku Koivu, and Todd Bertuzzi. I suck.

FGN: A blockbuster, absolutely no doubt about it. With regards to your competition, how do you think your team is now comparing to them?

Devyn: There's no doubt in my mi...

We interrupt this broadcast for an important news bulletin regarding the general manager of the Hanmer Velocity, Shaun Sproule. Preliminary reports have been released stating that Sproule is suffering from a psychological condition known as 'worry'. This news comes just less than a day after a blockbuster trade was made between the Springfield Hell's Satans and the Kansas City Archangels, which saw Alexander Ovechkin and Ryan Getzlaf go to Kansas City in exchange for Anze Kopitar, Dany Heatley, and some picks.

Devyn: What the hell? You call me up for an interview, and then you cut me off like I'm yesterd...

When asked to comment on the trade, Sproule made it clear that he was in no condition to meet with the media due to his condition. One could only assume that the worrying will intensify as he makes continued efforts to make a trade to counter the Ovechkin blockbuster before he sees his current spot atop the standings fade away. Only time will tell will tell if Sproule will ever fully recover from his ailment, and if his team can stand up against the rising powerhouse that is Kansas City.

Devyn: Seriously, he's just worried. It's not a big deal! He'll be f...

General managers across the Flare Group are sending their get well messages to Sproule in a unified effort to psychologically heal the ailing manager. This is truly a terrible situation that must be resolved before the makeup of the Flare Group is changed forever. We urge you, the fans, to send your messages of hope to Sproule; every bit of positive thinking helps. Thank you.

Devyn: [Censored] all of you! I have never been so insulted! You call me up, and treat me like [censored]. [Censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] cheesecake [censored]! I'm out of here! Don't you ever call me up for ano...

Team	Points
Hanmer Velocity	426
Kansas City Archangels	406
Missanabie Bears	392
Hanmer Velocity	375
Springfield Hell's Satans	349
Zaza Dancers	305

Blockbuster Moves!

The Missanabie Bears' General Manager, Julien Bergeron, was on the phone most of the night last night as he made two massive deals that will, in his opinion, make his team more competitive. Here are the details:

Trade #1:
To Missanabie:
-Cam Ward
-SPR DEC Free Agent Trade

To Springfield:
-Roberto Luongo
-Conditional Free Agent Trade: If Luongo produces 35 points or more between November 8th and January 1st, Springfield receives Missanabie's February Pick. If Luongo produces less than 35 points, Springfield receives Missanabie's January Pick

Some have questioned Julien Bergeron's sanity after this trade was made. It was fairly obvious that during last night's game, Cam Ward was injured with a massive cut to his upper leg. However, Bergeron gambled on the severity of that injury. It did not pay off. Earlier today, it was announced that Ward would miss weeks of actions, and probably would not be back until at least mid December.

That is not discouraging the General Manager though. This trade was orchestrated by the General Manager of the Kansas City Archangels, Carl Newton, who proposed his own trade with Bergeron. In order for the trade to work out, Bergeron had to free some cap space, so opted to ship out Luongo in order to do so, with Newton's help. The General Manager of the Springfield Hell's Satans, Brian Pittman, could not be happier.

Trade #2:
To Missanabie:
-Jordan Staal

To Kansas City:
-David Backes
-MIS DEC Free Agent Trade

This trade benefited both teams. Bergeron, who has been less than satisfied with Luongo's performance and recent injury had been planning on trading out his contract to Free Agency come this December. However, he also has been wishing to eliminate Backes from his team as well, who has been struggling severely. These series of trades not only eliminated Backes from Bergeron's roster, but it also gives Bergeron Springfield's December Free Agent trade to utilize to eliminate Ward for a worthwhile goalie.

Meanwhile, Pittman is slowly building a team that can sustain itself while Ovechkin struggles to heal from his injury. With his signing of Patrick Marleau on November 1st, and now his acquisition of Roberto Luongo, things are looking up for Pittman, who came out to a rough start throughout October.

However, Newton's motives are questionable. General Manager of the Hamilton Tigers, Devyn Gagnon, accused Newton openly of tampering and taking advantage of General Managers that are desperate to make trades for the sake of trading. He pointed out that while Pittman and Bergeron received some decent players through the trades, Newton is still collecting December Free Agent trades, which now total up to three. He feels as if Bergeron sold his first place spot to Newton, and guaranteed him the season win. However, since nobody cares about the Tigers, nobody listened to Gagnon's complaints, causing him to become enraged enough to break Jason Williams', a forward with the Zaza Dancers, leg, putting him out for months.

Authorities were contacted in response to the attack. However, it appears that Pittman has hired the Zaza police department to play for his team while he continues to seek out actual players, meaning that Gagnon is likely to go without legal punishment. General Manager of the Zaza Dancers, Alan McFadden, demanded compensation of some sort from Gagnon. This resulted in Gagnon attacking Zaza Defenseman, John Michael Liles, severely injuring his shoulder. When asked for comment about the attack, McFadden had this to say:

"Shutting up now."

-Alan McFadden, General Manager of the Zaza Dancers

Current Standings:

Team	Points
Kansas City Archangels	237
Missanabie Bears	230
Hamilton Tigers	203
Hanmer Velocity	201
Springfield Hell's Satans	190
Zaza Dancers	170

Team Profile: 2009-2010 Springfield Hell's Satans

The general manager of the Springfield Hell's Satans, Brian Pittman, had the entire league talking during September's draft, when he opted to draft only a single player to make up his team. That player was Alexander Ovechkin. Though it was the best pick of the entire draft, some question Pittman's motives in only selecting a single player to make up what would usually be a twenty player roster. When asked after the draft about his single selection, Pittman had this to say:

"Ovechkin is [censored] pwnzors!!!"
-Brian Pittman, General Manager of the Springfield Hell's Satans

And it seemed that he was correct. Totalling an epic nine points in only three games at the start of the season, it seemed as if Ovechkin was going to absolutely blow every team out of the water single handedly. However, his production would slow down soon after. Though still far above the average player in terms of performance, Ovechkin could not bear the weight of playing every single position in every single game, and his one-man show would not be enough to compete with the other teams that had full rosters.

And now, the worst has happened. Ovechkin has recently been injured in a game, probably due to the stress that Pittman has placed upon him. Though the nature of the injury has not been made public, it is sure that the Springfield Hell's Satans will suffer tremendously with their only player out for any amount of time, whether it be a short or long period. When asked about the injury Ovechkin suffered, Pittman had this to say:

"/wrist"
-Brian Pittman, General Manager of the Springfield Hell's Satans

Some are wondering what exactly will happen now, with no team in Springfield. Will the team simply forfeit every game? Or will the team simply leave the empty net for the opponents to ravage for sixty minutes every second night? Only time will tell. What is certain, however, Pittman is regretting his decision to draft only a single player, and will likely not take the same route next season.

Be sure to tune to the Flare Group News tomorrow, November 2nd! With a new month, comes a whole new bunch of trades. We'll be sure to break down every trade, and rumour circulating around the FG6 for our faithful readers and viewers! See you then!

Current Standings:

Team	Points
Kansas City Archangels	189
Missanabie Bears	189
Hamilton Tigers	170
Hanmer Velocity	169
Springfield Hell's Satans	158
Zaza Dancers	136

Edit: We here at Flare Group News take our accuracy in our reporting very seriously. It seems that we have made a mistake with our initial report, and we are now attempting to rectify it. It seems that Springfield does have a team that plays with Ovechkin, we have just yet to see it. Where is this team? We just do not know. When will it step up? We can only wait and see.

General Manager of the Zaza Dancers Resorts to Extreme Messures

It seems that life at the bottom may only be temporary for Alan McFadden, general manager of the Zaza Dancers. With his team starting to turn around slowly, and injuries beginning to plague his rivals, it's only a matter of time before the once massive gap is closed. Unfortunately, life at the bottom has taken its toll on the young general manager, and has driven him over the edge. The Flare Group News team has learned that Alan McFadden has put out a hit on Julien Bergeron, general manager of the first place Missanabie Bears. It is expected that the assassins that have been hired are none other than the Hockey Ninjas.

Little known in history are the events of the 1905 Missouri Hockey Massacres. The Missouri Globes were a rising hockey team, expected to become one of the greatest competitors in the world when it came to hockey. On a cold January evening, they faced a new, rising team, that to this day, nobody knows the name of. Money was short in Missouri at that time, so the unnamed team resorted to immigrant labour. The team was mainly comprised of Japanese immigrants, looking to make some money on the side of their already unfair labour duties. The Globes, becoming quite elitist in their ways, decided to take liberties with this team, playing overly aggressive, and starting many fights. Unfortunately, the Globes did not know that the immigrants were actually descendants of the last Ninja clan of Japan. The entire Globes team was slaughtered brutally, with not a single survivor remaining. The Ninjas then went into hiding, and became known as the Hockey Ninjas. This story has been omitted from most hockey histories due to the graphic nature that accompanies it.

If the rumours are true, then Julien Bergeron finds himself in a very dangerous situation. We attempted to find Bergeron in order to get his comment on these events, however, we found that he had gone into hiding... for a little while, anyways. After following a trail of Lays BBQ Potato Chip crumbs through the Missanabie Arena, we found a man we believed to be Bergeron hiding in one of the washroom stalls. He had this to say:

"I'm not... I mean, Julien Bergeron isn't in here. Go away!"

-Julien Bergeron, General Manager of the Missanabie Bears?

We attempted to contact the GM's of the other teams in the Flare Group, but only one decided to talk to us. That general manager was Devyn Gagnon of the Hamilton Tigers. Unfortunately, his comment did not relate to the events involving Zaza and Missanabie at all:

"No. No fricken' way! I'm tired of you asshats taking my words and twisting them around into something completely different! For God's sake, in your last report, you made up every single quote! Get the hell out! I'm not talking to you anymore!"

-Devyn Gagnon, General Manager of the Hamilton Tigers

Gagnon would then go on to say that he's a little princess that bakes cupcakes with his mother. However, this still doesn't change the fact that the Flare Group has risen to a new level of intensity. Zaza has played his cards, and is hoping that things work out, whereas Missanabie may be spending too much time watching his back to notice the important details that come with running a successful hockey team.

Tune in to FGN on November 1st, as we will be taking a deep look at the Springfield Hell's Satans in our Profile segment!

Current Standings:

Team	Points
Missanabie Bears	174
Kansas City Archangels	169
Hanmer Velocity	159
Hamilton Tigers	157
Springfield Hell's Satans	142
Zaza Dancers	127

Tight Race for Top Spot

There is an epic battle brewing for the top spot of the Flare Group VI between Kansas City, Missanabie, and Hanmer. Although first place Kansas City is dominating in terms of points per game, Missanabie's lead in games played is allowing the team to make a run for top spot. Close behind Missanabie is Hanmer, who has found new life with recent performances from the likes of Michael Cammalleri and Loui Eriksson.

Unfortunately, due to a recent slowdown of the Ovechkin and Capitals train, Hamilton has recently found himself temporarily out of the picture after a great start seeing him hold onto top spot for weeks. When shown the statistics, the GM of the Hamilton Tigers had this to say:

"Wow. I dropped that much? That's pathetic."

-Devyn Gagnon, General Manager of the Hamilton Tigers

However, he maintains that with Semin returning to the lineup shortly in Washington, one can expect point production for his numerous Capitals players to once again rise. However, he has a ways to go before he can get back into the picture for top spot. Until then, he lives pointlessly between the titans of the top like Kansas City, Missanabie, and Hanmer, and the peons of the pit, which include Springfield and Zaza.

When approached by us, the respective GMs of the top three teams had their own comments regarding where they were going, and what they were expecting:

"I understand that the Kansas City Archangels are being challenged for top spot of the group by several teams. I have full faith that the likes of Joe Thornton, Dany Heatley, Evgeni Nabokov, Martin Brodeur, and the rest of my team will maintain that spot, and squash those competitors. I expect fully that they will continue to perform like star players, and even better. Also, expect a massive trade in the near future; we refuse to sit calmly."

-Carl Newton, General Manager of the Kansas City Archangels

"We came out of the gate to a rough start; it's really no secret. Instead of sticking our heads up our asses like Springfield and Zaza did, we played through the rough times until we managed to pull things together. Every team has a drought once in a while; we just got ours out of the way early. Needless to say, we're back now, and we're going to prove to the world that we're serious contenders. Carl Newton and Julien Bergeron had better watch their backs."

-Shaun Sproule, General Manager of the Hanmer Velocity

"Hockey is fun."

-Julien Bergeron, General Manager of the Missanabie Bears

Unfortunately, the General Managers of Springfield and Zaza could not be reached for comment. Actually, that's not entirely true. We just didn't want to waste our time.

With such fierce words being exchanged by most of the teams' managers, it's clear that we're witnessing the preparation of a foundation ideal to support a battle of epic proportions. Stay tuned to FGN for more updates, specials, and interviews. Thank you for reading.

Current Standings:

Team	Points
Kansas City Archangels	157
Missanabie Bears	156
Hanmer Velocity	150
Hamilton Tigers	133
Springfield Hell's Satans	124
Zaza Dancers	110