Thursday, July 8, 2010

Kansas City and Canterbury Declare War on Rival League

The hockey world was shocked earlier today as news broke that Evgeni Nabokov signed a lucrative deal with SKA St. Petersburg of the KHL. Nabokov, who was drafted by the FGHL's Kansas City Archangels 6th overall in the first round of the 2009-2010 draft, was an essential piece in bringing the Archangels their first championship last season. Questions are piling up without answers as confusion runs rampant through the entire FGHL. However, Carl Newton, general manager of the Kansas City Archangels, is not seeking answers. Apparently, he is seeking retribution, as he held a press conference earlier today in which he publically declared war on Russia:

"We, here, at the Kansas City Archangels organization do not take defection lightly. The fleeing of Nabokov does not reflect well upon our team, or the entire league. The KHL's involvement in our affairs was a slap to the face, and it will not go without retaliation. We would like to take this opportunity to declare war upon the KHL and Russia. We will not rest until Nabokov is returned to our team, or until the KHL lies in shambles."
-Carl Newton, General Manager of the Kansas City Archangels

The initial reaction from the public was one of confusion; many believed that the press conference was a joke, or empty threat. However, that confusion quickly turned to fear as the reality of the situation was confirmed, as Jim Chong, general manager of the Canterbury Fighting Badgers declared war on the KHL and Russia as well. We met with Jim Chong shortly after his decision was made public, to find out why he entered the fight:

"Did you know badgers were once used in Europe to predict how long winters would last? Seriously, is there anything a badger can't do? With that being said, we believe that badgers should be able to live among humankind in peace, without fear of being persecuted. The Russians still choose to devour badgers as a form of sustinence. Such a diabolical and atrocious practice cannot continue. As such, we will be entering the war alongside our allies, the Kansas City Archangels. Though our goals are different, I believe the same means can lead to mutual solutions."
-Jim Chong, General Manager of the Canterbury Fighting Badgers

Though many believed initially that both hockey teams would not be able to put a dent in the defenses of an entire nation, we here at FGHL News have uncovered Newton's top secret battle plan, entitled "Operation Fatso", which proves that the war can be won quickly and brutally if the Russians do not prepare immediately. Apparently, Newton has discovered that if Kansas City goalie, Martin Brodeur, is dropped from a height exceeding five feet, the shockwave will be large enough to decimate an entire city. If that height is only doubled, there is no telling how much damage can be done. Jim Chong is seeking out free agent Kyle Wellwood for similar reasons.

When asked about his primary rival's actions, Shaun Sproule, general manager of the Hanmer Velocity had this to say:

"We do not approve of Newton's actions. At the same time, however, we do not approve of Nabokov's decision to the flee the FGHL. The KHL's decision to give Nabokov that out was dirty and underhanded. However, we do not believe violence and the loss of lives is the proper way to solve this problem. We will not become involved in this mess; we will remain neutral."
-Shaun Sproule, General Manager of the Hanmer Velocity

When asked about the Russian situation, Julien Bergeron, general manager of the Missanabie Bears, had this to say:

"I don't like Russian anything; I prefer to take my time and think things over, no matter what the situation."
-Julien Bergeron, General Manager of the Missanabie Bears

Having received input from two of the league's general managers, we decided to contact one of the players rumoured to have connections with the KHL: Ilya Kovalchuk. We asked Kovalchuk how he felt about the oncoming war; he responded with being overrated and overexposed. We later received a bill for ten million dollars for the interview.

Nonetheless, the situation within the FGHL has taken a turn for the worse. How will Kansas City and Canterbury manage successful hockey teams while at war with KHL? What will Newton do to fill the void left by Nabokov? Will Canterbury suffer a food shortage should they sign Kyle Wellwood? Only time will tell! Stay tuned!

Final Standings (2009-2010 Season):

TeamPoints
Kansas City Archangels1148
Hanmer Velocity
1144
Hamilton Tigers
1108
Missanabie Bears
1089
Springfield Hell's Satans992
Zaza Dancers798

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